DOIN' IT FOR THE FAME!

delgrosso:

In fact, closing them is often the only way to escape.

So….here I sit at my favorite new coffee shop. Listening…people watching….daydreaming about happier times…

I see the families, parents and kids, out for the citywide trick or treat festivities, and I feel so much sadness it feels like it’s going to come out my mouth like vomit. I want to cry. I want a husband. I want a life I can fall back on when my daughter pulls the rug out from under me. I want what others have. Will I ever get it is the question. I don’t need a man…I want one. I want a partner through life like everyone else. People see me as someone who doesn’t need such things….but they’re wrong. I need someone just like you do…or you….or you! Just because in your eyes I am “old” doesn’t mean I don’t want to be happy! I have a right to that just like you do. I have discovered how vicious young people can be.

My daughter has been my whole life. I always expected her to become her own person, have her own social and personal life, find love….what I didn’t expect was how much of her life was hidden from me, how much she just lied about, and how good of a liar she had become. I have to find a way to resolve that, and it’s hard because every day it’s another lie discovered.

It makes me feel like I have never known the truth of her. Like it’s all been a lie. A beautiful deception. She’s very good at it. I can’t tell you how the hurt feels….because there are no words to describe it. It’s that bad.

So how do I really get over this?

How do you talk to your best friend about something so awful, when the best friend is the one who caused the awful?? Sigh…I dunno.

She told me once that what I thought of her was more important to her than anything….so she hid the parts of her she thought I wouldn’t approve of, and now that I am finding out about her “other self” I am not liking some of what I see.

I’m so lonely. I have no real adult friends. I know a lot of people. That doesn’t count. I have only really talked about this with 2 people, sort of, and not really everything because everyone is always on my daughters side, trying to explain/rationalize/softsell her behaviour. I guess that’s good…for my daughter…but how I feel is out of the realm of most people. You have to have a child to understand what it feels like to be a parent who’s child is not who they thought she was.

I just feel beaten. Like I should just give up, say goodbye, push her out of the nest and be done with it. I feel partly like I wasted my life, and now it’s mostly over and I end up with nothing?? How fair is that?

Someone tell me….

So….here I sit, in Panera once again. Ready to puke, cry, scream, pass out….

But I can’t, because it’s the only place I can get internet right now, and going back to the hell I live in isn’t an option. Once I get there, there’s no leaving. I will fall into a despair so deep there will be no turning back.

Everything I thought I knew…what I thought was real….has all, every minute of every day of the past 21 years has been a big, fat FAKE!

Ever had your heart ripped out, found out the truth, wished you hadn’t? Wished you could go back to a time when you could pretend everything was alright?

Then you know how I feel right now. I wish I was dead. I don’t want to feel all this pain. It is bigger than any pain I have ever felt in my life. To have the one person you just “knew” was genuine, honest, truly caring be the one who is ripping your soul to shreds is the worst pain…ever. E.V.E.R. And when that person is your beloved, only daughter? W.O.R.S.E.

Since I now know how she really feels, I truly have to let her go, forget she exists, (yeah like that is going to be possible). Forget what I thought she was, and accept who she really has always been. I hate it. I want to scream, to run in front of a bus, car, just make it go away.

She’ll be happier once the shock wears off. She can go have her life and not have to “worry about me.”

Don’t worry about me. Don’t be FAKE with me anymore.

I will try not to love you, and you can make Lexi your whole world and forget about me. You don’t really need me anyway. MOVE OUT! MOVE ON! I guess she’s finally convinced you that I am no good to your life and that you need to be rid of me, so go. When she ruins your life, uses you, cheats on you again, if I’m still alive, at least look me up so I can say I told you so. You owe me that at least.

(how does airing my feelings in public make YOU feel?) I imagine Darren and Alaina don’t come around because they know everything and can’t face me…or you.

How can you live with yourself Caitlyn? Do you just have so much practice being fake that you think it’s real?

If you had just tried to talk to me….not fallen back into unhealthy patterns….I might not have like it, but at least it would have been real.

Tell ya what….I’ll sign you over the car….you go on your way and don’t look back. I won’t need it long anyway.